Wednesday, April 7, 2010

His Child



We sing songs with words that make me want to run and hide. Do I really "give my life to worship You"? Do I "surrender all"? Does my soul really thirst after Him as the deer pants for the water? There are times I don't say the words for fear that I will be speaking a lie.

I lie in bed in the early morning hours praying for mercy, grace, strength, cleansing and filling - and before I have walked ten minutes into the day I fail.

I see others around me moved to tears when my eyes remain dry and my heart numb. I know all the right words for every situation (after all, I have grown up on them) and find myself, all too often, doubting them.

And so I begin to question whose child I really am, for I feel like an impostor. I don't look like everyone else. I don't feel as though I measure up to what I know I ought to be.

Then He gently reminds me of a moment that we have both marked, but I have forgotten. It was a time when I prayed as I had never prayed before - desperate to have this deep need met in the only way I thought possible. For such a long, long time heaven was silent.

One day, as I swept the kitchen floor, the oft-repeated prayer echoing through the empty house, I "heard" Him whisper into my heart: "Do you want my will, or do you want Me to give you what you have been asking for?" In that moment I knew the answer. "I want Your will Lord. I want it whatever the cost, because I know You. I know that Your love will only do what is best. I trust in You."

In that moment, I knew beyond question whose child I was. I know it now. When I fail to measure up, when I don't experience the same emotions as others, when I am filled with doubt, when I get my priorities totally out of order, when I desire other things more than Him, when I don't look like everyone else - even then, I am His child.

He sees my heart and, in spite of the cracks and flaws, claims me as His own. I see myself with human eyes and feel discouraged. He sees me through the prism of His Son and finds me righteous.

for more stories of the holy visit Ann:



Blessings,
Linda

14 comments:

Jandante said...

Linda, what you say is so true.
Blessings
Jan

Loretta said...

Wonderful, as always, and so very true. Thank you. :)

Hugs,
Loretta

Sandy said...

Yes, absolutely true and yet...
He knows us, knows our heart.
You always bless me, Linda.
Love,
Sandy

Andrea said...

Linda, I needed this today. thank you.

the voice of melody said...

Dear Linda, we are all so flawed and imperfect, but how wonderful that our Father sees us not as we see ourselves but just as He made us, through His merciful Spirit.

{Hugs} and love to you.

grammy said...

Yes and
Amen to that
beautiful heart felt writing (o:

Heather said...

Yes, we serve an awesome God!! I'll never understand, never comprehend HOW He loves like He does; instead, I'll just be grateful!

Have a beautiful day, Linda :)

Maria said...

Hi Linda~
You write so beautifully...
Thank you for bringing such important things into the light for thought and prayer.

I don't believe that emotional responses to worship {although they can become strong} are signs of faith or love. Some people just wear bold colors {strong emotions} and others prefer pastels {more reserved emotions}.

I believe that God knows your spirit and heart ~ You are his beautiful daughter.
*Maria

Laura said...

Oh, Linda. This just breathes love to me. I am His child. Oh, yes. I am.

Teena said...

my computer crashed but I can READ from my phone and do fb. Just can't comment. I am at the church now.

Hugs... still praying for your mom & dad....

May said...

Thanks for these wonderful words...You are exactly right, God knows our heart. I say that all the time.

Katrina said...

Oh the beauty of these words and this truth;

"He sees me through the prism of His Son and finds me righteous."

Linda, it seems every time I come visit, I am blessed. Thank you.

You asked how I was doing? I am very well... excited about my ultrasound coming up this week!

Dawn said...

The songs help me so much!

Nancy said...

Just found your blog, following a comment from Imperfect Prose. So nice to find a godly Grandmother in blog world!

Your words about doubting the truth of the hymns I attempt to sing really resonated. Am watching my children transition to adulthood and considering choices that, though not sinful, terrify me. Can I really sing, "I surrender all?" Really? My children? Trust and surrender them to my Father's care?

As you've said, I know all the right words; I've grown up on them. I pray to the Lord to help my unbelief.

Thanks so much for sharing your heart in this way. It encouraged me this morning.