Monday, October 28, 2013

Journey to Trust - Day 28

We're coming to the end of the 31 days. I think long and hard about what I've written. Above everything else I want to be honest. It is difficult in this one dimensional medium to be real. You see only the words I want you to see, and they may give a false impression of who I really am. You don't get to see me on the days when I nag and complain or waste hours on empty pursuits. You can't get inside my head and heart to see the battles over "self" that rage and storm.

So I want to be sure I write about all the different faces of trust in my life and the way I've struggled, still struggle, with them. I've written about the pivotal moment in my life, when trust and surrender led to peace that could only come from Jesus. If I left it there, you might get the impression I walk around enveloped in a filmy cloud of peace. That's why I wrote yesterday's post. That's why I write this one.

I am a dreamer - a woman with the imagination of a child. I can take a simple idea and make happily ever after out of it before you can turn around. The trouble with that is it all tends to revolve around me and my big self.

I began blogging with the sincerest of intentions. I prayed that the Lord would use my writing to bring glory to His name and minister to others. "Even if only to one other person," I piously told Him.

I thought I meant it, but it didn't take long for that simple desire to morph into lofty dreams of my own imagining. Gradually numbers and approval became things of great importance. No longer happy with the idea of encouraging just a few, I wanted to be like the other writers I'd grown to admire. Before I knew it, the dream became a bit of a nightmare. Things weren't going my way, and I became discouraged.

"How does trust play a part in this?" you ask. Just this. I came to the Father with a desire He had placed in my heart. Then, instead of trusting Him with it, I took it back and tried to shape it into what I wanted it to be. Me. All by myself. And it simply didn't work.

I only had to look back at the lesson learned when I was walking through the darkest days of my life to see the answer. I needed to let go of the dream and place it in His hands to do with as He pleased. It was hard. I am one of those people who wants so much to win approval. I know the Father is the One whose approval matters most and that He gives it unconditionally. Still I tried.I can be pretty stubborn. God is infinitely patient.

I have come to the place of letting go - once again. I have come to the place of seeing what has been right in front of my eyes all along. The Father has given me gifts to use for His glory and to bless others. They are safe in His keeping. Whether I soar to great heights or remain small and obscure, it is well if He is in control.

Resting in Him brings contentment and peace. It just does. It's His promise to us, and He always keeps His word. In the great defining moments of our lives or in the every day monotony, He is there. He said in Psalm 139 He wrote the story of my life before I drew a single breath. It is a good story. I can trust the author of my days.

My sweet friend Emily has written a post that speaks about what it means to be a Christian blogger. Please take the time to visit her. You will love her.