Friday, May 15, 2015

Living What I Say

I've held this post in my heart for days and days. Sometimes the thing we love to do becomes the hardest thing to do. I love to write, but I am in a season where, no matter the longing, the words simply don't come. They hover just beyond reach.

I managed a post a week or so ago simply because I had a commitment to write. I confess there have been similar times when I've dipped into the archives, unable to find inspiration anywhere else. But the words for that post came quickly - birthed in something keenly felt.

I had no sooner published it when we walked into circumstances that would test my belief in the words I had so easily tapped out.

My husband (who has given me permission to share his story) had been a diabetic for 46 years. The disease has taken a toll on his body. His eyes have suffered most. He lost the vision in his right eye many years ago and has had lots of laser work done to the left eye. Thankfully, that eye has done well for a long time now - except for the cataract that has been slowly forming.

We went for what we thought was a routine visit to talk about cataract surgery. It turned out to be anything but routine. The doctor discovered a tear in his retina. I can't describe the feeling. It was so totally unexpected.

She immediately did laser work to repair the tear. It's painful, and he's been through so much. And it's hard not to ask, "Why?"  I tried my best to say, with the Shumanite woman, "It will be all right."

A week later we went back. The laser work hadn't held. Some fluid had gotten under the retina and prevented the laser burns from holding. The next course of action was to freeze the tear. She did it immediately. And now we wait - for two weeks - to see.

"It will be all right."

It's easy to say those words when I'm not in the middle of a crises. However, when the thing we fear happens, it's also easy to lose sight of the truth that God is good - especially when it's a precious loved one who's doing the suffering.

We have walked this path, in one form or another, many times over the course of our married life. There have been seasons where I shook my little fist at God and turned away in disappointment and anger. I wonder if I thought I could coerce Him into doing things my way? It doesn't work.

He simply waits, and I find my way back because there is no place else to go. "It will be all right," because He loves us and He will only do what is best for us. I believe that. I pray for healing. I rest in His sovereignty. I have found Him faithful. Always faithful.