Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Joy Challenge - Day 27 - Confess/Repent

I am a good confessor. I don't find it difficult to admit my failings and failures. The definition of confess is: "to tell or make known (as something wrong or damaging to oneself); to acknowledge (sin) to God..." I can do that.

It is that other word that I seem to struggle with - repent. That definition is: "to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life." I find that infinitely more difficult.

It isn't the "big sins" where I find repentance, true repentance, a struggle. It is those "little" besetting sins that send me spiraling downward. If I had a nickle for every Monday I have declared with great conviction, "No more gluttony. I start a healthy, balanced diet today." I would have a healthy bank account. Sometimes it even lasts for weeks or months, but inevitably I cycle back into bad eating habits.

Self-control is the big one for me. It shows itself most often in the way I use my time. Oh how I struggle with this one. It has been a life-long one. These days it most often takes the form of too much time on the computer. As a matter of fact, I could have looked back into my archives and just copied and pasted this post from any of several I've written exactly like it over the past three years I've been blogging.

Over and over again I've promised the Lord that I would use my time more wisely. As with the diet, it lasts for a period of time, and then I am right back where I started. Not the Lord's idea of true repentance. I am so thankful for His patience and forgiveness.

I am spending far too much time reading posts and commenting. I look through my bloglines and try to trim it down to a more reasonable size - and I cannot bring myself to do it. In fact, I keep adding as I meet new people who fast become new friends. Add to that the newest perk I've incorporated - Facebook - and I can quite literally spend hours on the computer. Just the other day I had so many things to do, but I let myself stop for "just a minute" to check email. An hour later I was still in front of the screen. The rest of the day I scrambled trying to catch up and do all the things I needed to do - even having to rush through my Bible Study to get it done on time. I felt guilty and discouraged.

The new lap top has made it even more convenient to spend time on-line. I can sit on the couch in front of the tv and read and write for a long time. The books sit unopened on the coffee table, the knitting project languishes, the piano sits silent. It is more than time for true repentance.

So....I will be spending less time on the computer. One of my other weaknesses is the need for approval (that one isn't quite as easy to confess) - and I worry about hurting someone's feelings if I don't comment on their blog. That's what makes it hard for me to cut back. It's silly really, because I know very well no one gets offended, and I know I have to do this. So forgive me if I don't comment as often or visit every day.

It is an amazing thing that when you do the thing you think will be so hard, it suddenly doesn't seem so bad at all. Guess what - there is JOY!!

I know it won't be easy for me. I am trusting that where I am weak, He is strong. I want to use my time, a very precious commodity, in the way He leads.


picture:flickr lil_latina5's photostream