Thursday, July 28, 2011

Wholehearted Looking

There are no two snowflakes exactly alike. I have driven through blinding snowstorms, flakes racing toward the windshield, and I can hardly believe the miracle of it. Each one unique. The thought comforts me when I wish to be more like someone else. I am uniquely designed - a pattern that will never be repeated.

One of the things that makes this "snowflake" unique also renders me the person law enforcement officials would least like to have as the only witness to a crime. I would be no help in recalling the details - none. I am one of those people who can spend hours visiting you in your home and not remember what color the carpeting was. I may not even remember what you were wearing. I often wish I could be different, more observant. I feel as though a little piece is missing from my makeup.

I will, however, remember you. I will absorb your feelings and remember your words. If there is an underlying sadness in our conversation I will sense it - even if you say that all is well. If there are others in the room I will know if there is an unspoken tension or something amiss. I am bombarded by sensations of the heart. Perhaps it is the reason I feel exhausted when I arrive home and long for a quiet space.

I love to be with others - need to be with others. It is just that I invest heavily and need that time alone to breathe deeply.

I have been "stuck" on a verse for some time now. It is found in Jeremiah. His words often linger in my heart.

"And in those days when you pray I will listen. If you look for Me wholeheartedly, you will find Me."
Jeremiah 29: 12,13

Do I look wholeheartedly? The question sits heavily. What does it really mean? Surely He isn't making it difficult for me to find Him. Perhaps... perhaps it is simply doing what He has already graciously programmed into me - to focus on Him to the exclusion of all the things that surround me. To look into His face and see, not color of eyes or shape of nose, but who He is. To listen to His words and not be distracted by a thousand other things.

I know that when I do this, this wholehearted looking, I am not exhausted or depleted or in need of alone time. I am filled and refreshed. He gives me more than I can ever give Him in return. He waits...I simply have to look.