Thursday, October 10, 2013

Journey to Trust - Despair - Day 10

We settled in to our new "normal," the years rolling rapidly into one another with increasing speed. Our nest emptied and grew all at the same time - taking on new color and form. Two daughters-in-love, a handful of grandchildren and a daughter all grown up and graduated from college off to make a life of her own.

I counted our blessings and, true to form, cast a wary eye over my shoulder waiting for the next blow. After all, everyone knows when things are going well disaster can't be far off. My skewed "doctrine" didn't allow for much peace.

As silly as they sometimes sound, there is usually a bit of truth tucked into those superstitious beliefs. They prove true often enough to convert even the most pragmatic among us. Sure enough the next blow came, and it was more devastating than I could ever have imagined.

I pause here to say there are some stories we are not free to share - for they are not ours alone. I love a good mystery, but that isn't what I'm about here. I simply cannot tell what might bring pain to someone else. Suffice it to say - it was my worst nightmare come true.

I cannot adequately describe the pain and despair. What I had prayed desperately to be delivered from had come to us - far worse than I had ever imagined. I didn't feel anger toward God. I felt a disappointment so keen it tore my heart in two. I turned my face away from Him and couldn't even pray - not for a very long time.