I haven't written in quite a while. We've talked, but for some reason I haven't written words. I'm not sure why.
So many thoughts swirl around - swishing from my heart to my mind and back again- never holding still. I think back to those times we've talked about me becoming smaller and You bigger and wonder exactly what that should look like in this "online world".
It dovetails with the struggle to find balance. I swing back and forth between spending far too many hours trying to be a "presence" and a friend online and going completely silent. For a number of weeks, I've chosen an in-between place - leaning a bit more toward the silence.
It's felt so freeing, Father. I didn't realize how much pressure I put on myself to be a part of all things "internetty." I know You're smiling - knowing all too well my penchant for seeking the approval of others. But in the process, I feel as though I've neglected something vital.
Giving my full attention to the loved ones I share this life with - without thinking about a clever FB update, a cute instagram picture or a deep blog post I could somehow incorporate - has been so good. Focusing on real life friends, investing undivided time in my small group, taking more time to read and do the creative things I have always loved doing, just being still - it feeds my soul. I had gotten to the point where I couldn't remember what life without the internet felt like.
Here's the dilemma, Lord. I love the friends I've met online. I can't quite imagine not writing at all. And there's a book lying forgotten in the box on my desk. And, really, why do I have to be so "all or nothing"? Give me wisdom to do this one life well. Lead me in the way I should go:
Isaiah 30:21New American Standard Bible (NASB)
21 "Your ears will hear a word behind you, “[a]This is the way, walk in it,” whenever you turn to the right or to the left."
With much love,
P.S. Please forgive these ramblings, friends. Just mulling over the things I've been thinking about.