Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Much Afraid

She checked the weather report for the dozenth time, hoping against hope it would somehow be different this time. Perhaps the storms wouldn't materialize after all. A check of the radar screens only served to increase her apprehension.

Outside dark clouds raced across the sky - the limbs of the giant oaks bent low by the force of the wind.   She had looked forward to the weekend for months, but even before the storms set in she had begun dreading the long drive on the busy highway. When had she become so fearful? Where was the hard-won sense of peace that had once infused her heart? When had she stopped trusting God?

She thought back to the time, years ago, when they had walked through the darkest days of their lives; when the longed-for miracle hadn't come and her heart had become cold and distant. How faith had slowly returned in the midst of the letting go, and trust in the goodness of God had birthed a peace in her soul. But time and circumstances, disappointments and heartache had begun to erode that quiet assurance.

Now in the midst of prayer, came doubt and fear. And questions. Why so much suffering? Why did prayers go unanswered - prayers so fervently prayed and miracles so desperately needed? Does trusting mean God will allow things in my life I fear I can't handle? What if He thinks what's best for me is the very thing I dread most? She struggled mightily not to be "double-minded" but to pray with absolute faith - knowing the truth yet fighting the fears.

She turned from the window and walked toward their bedroom. It was on the tip of her tongue to ask him to cancel the trip, but for once she remained silent. How weary he must be of her constant need to control and manage everything. Instead, she took down the small suitcase and began to pack.

to be continued