Journey to Trust - Day 31 - Art

We've reached the 31st day. Thank you so much for taking this journey with me. I'm going to end with something a little different. I think I'm just about out of words for now. So I'm joining Emily today at her blog, Chatting At the Sky and linking up a picture of a few of the ways art looks like when it comes out of me. Yes. Me.

If you haven't read Emily's book, "a million little ways," I highly recommend it. I'm reading it through for the second time as I write these 31 days. She gives art a whole new meaning. I won't spoil it for you, but I think you will find something very special in the pages of her book. In fact, you might even dare to learn to call yourself an artist.

Even in this small exercise I find the fingerprints of trust. I am learning to trust that He will use the desires He has placed within the heart of me and use them for His glory - and to bless others. To trust that no matter how small the dream it has great value in His eyes. To trust that dream, those desires, into His hands.

Thank you again for walking with me this month. I am so thankful for you.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - The Crooked Oak - Day 30

The land we purchased for our new home had been neglected for many years. The entire five acres was covered with cedar so thick and tall you couldn't see the Oaks. We hired a man who came in with a big machine and worked for days, clearing the land and freeing the oaks to flourish and reach toward the heavens.

We carefully preserved every single one without question, except for that one. It was scrawny and tilted nearly sideways. We debated its fate. It would never grow straight, but I couldn't bear the thought of cutting it down. I looked at it and thought of myself - so flawed and yet so loved by the One who breathes life into my soul. I wanted it to live - just the way it was. I wanted it to stretch heavenward as best it could and grow strong.

There are some majestic oaks on our land. I believe some were here long before I ever drew breath.  They are beautiful. But I love this one best of all. I may (no, I do) have an over-developed imagination, but I believe that little tree trusted us. We gave it room and light and helped it to grow into the best oak it could be - no matter its posture.

And here comes the obvious analogy: I have learned to trust the One who gives me everything for an abundant life. He isn't one bit concerned with my outward appearance. He loves me, He loves you, and will do everything to see that you are all He created you to be.

He simply longs for us to trust Him.

It has become the well-spring of my life, out of which everything else flows.

Blessings,
Linda

P.S. Don't you just love the little pump house my husband built :)

Journey to Trust - Unchanging - Day 29

^" Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning."
James 1:17

I think it is fairly safe to say most of us, even those who aren't big fans of change (that would be me), love an adventure every now and then. Something that takes us out of our ordinary, every-day existence and plops us right down in the middle of exciting and new.

However magical those times may be there are some things we want to know we count on to stay the same. Mostly that involves the relationships in our lives. We don't want to wonder from one day to the next if we will be loved and accepted, if promises made will be kept, if the ones we trust will be there for us no matter what.

We live in a world that is constantly changing, but there are some things we can depend on. The sun will rise in the morning and set in the evening. The seasons will continue to fold one into another. There will be seasons of growing and seasons of dying - giving way to new life over and over again.

These things, and so many more, were established by the One who never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). He holds all things together. Nothing happens that does not first pass through His hands.

Peace comes in knowing who He is, and that who He is will never change. He is not a whimsical God. He has revealed Himself in His word and through His Son. As He is, so He will ever be. I rest secure in that knowledge.

I don't want Him to change according to my behavior or because of my circumstances. I want to know He will always be a holy, righteous God whose word will never fail.

I love those words: "...with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." Not even a shadow of turning. Always true; always trustworthy.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Day 28

We're coming to the end of the 31 days. I think long and hard about what I've written. Above everything else I want to be honest. It is difficult in this one dimensional medium to be real. You see only the words I want you to see, and they may give a false impression of who I really am. You don't get to see me on the days when I nag and complain or waste hours on empty pursuits. You can't get inside my head and heart to see the battles over "self" that rage and storm.

So I want to be sure I write about all the different faces of trust in my life and the way I've struggled, still struggle, with them. I've written about the pivotal moment in my life, when trust and surrender led to peace that could only come from Jesus. If I left it there, you might get the impression I walk around enveloped in a filmy cloud of peace. That's why I wrote yesterday's post. That's why I write this one.

I am a dreamer - a woman with the imagination of a child. I can take a simple idea and make happily ever after out of it before you can turn around. The trouble with that is it all tends to revolve around me and my big self.

I began blogging with the sincerest of intentions. I prayed that the Lord would use my writing to bring glory to His name and minister to others. "Even if only to one other person," I piously told Him.

I thought I meant it, but it didn't take long for that simple desire to morph into lofty dreams of my own imagining. Gradually numbers and approval became things of great importance. No longer happy with the idea of encouraging just a few, I wanted to be like the other writers I'd grown to admire. Before I knew it, the dream became a bit of a nightmare. Things weren't going my way, and I became discouraged.

"How does trust play a part in this?" you ask. Just this. I came to the Father with a desire He had placed in my heart. Then, instead of trusting Him with it, I took it back and tried to shape it into what I wanted it to be. Me. All by myself. And it simply didn't work.

I only had to look back at the lesson learned when I was walking through the darkest days of my life to see the answer. I needed to let go of the dream and place it in His hands to do with as He pleased. It was hard. I am one of those people who wants so much to win approval. I know the Father is the One whose approval matters most and that He gives it unconditionally. Still I tried.I can be pretty stubborn. God is infinitely patient.

I have come to the place of letting go - once again. I have come to the place of seeing what has been right in front of my eyes all along. The Father has given me gifts to use for His glory and to bless others. They are safe in His keeping. Whether I soar to great heights or remain small and obscure, it is well if He is in control.

Resting in Him brings contentment and peace. It just does. It's His promise to us, and He always keeps His word. In the great defining moments of our lives or in the every day monotony, He is there. He said in Psalm 139 He wrote the story of my life before I drew a single breath. It is a good story. I can trust the author of my days.

My sweet friend Emily has written a post that speaks about what it means to be a Christian blogger. Please take the time to visit her. You will love her.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Day 27

"'Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus"



Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Trust In the Ordinary - Day 26

I managed twenty-four days of writing and then yesterday.....yesterday was one of those "living it out" days. It didn't go according to plan.

It seems there are life-changing lessons to be learned in the "big" moments of our lives, but inevitably the time comes when they must also be lived out in the day to day. Perhaps those are the times it is just a tad more difficult.

I take my life and place it in His hands, and then the day doesn't go as planned. Before I can even form a thought, I fall back into the old pattern. I fret about not getting to do the things I wanted to do. I throw a little pity party for my big self, grumbling just under my breath, "Why can't I ever have a day to do the things I want to do? It never fails. My one free day and it's gone." It goes something like that.

The whole notion of surrender and trust dies a silent death, and I pick up the reins of my life and grumble and complain.

He whispers, "Trust Me. I have a good plan for today."

So I drag my feet and take the unexpected path, grudgingly giving the time to Him. It turns out, it really was a good plan, filled with unexpected blessing. I am discovering it always is. In fact my plan, the one where I had a leisurely day to my own thing, pales in comparison.

And today......there's time to do those things I thought so important.

I'm learning, ever so slowly, to trust Him in all things. He is faithful even in the small moments of my life. He is forever working for my good, and He never complains about the hard work I make of it. He doesn't stand with folded arms tapping his foot impatiently because He has bigger and better things to do. He doesn't walk away in disgust when I operate on the "repeat cycle" of my life. He has infinite patience.

I am so thankful. He brings joy in the places where I least expect it and gives life a richness money can't buy.
"Trust Me," He says. Because He knows things I cannot fathom and sees things I cannot see. He is so very good.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Waiting - Day 24

I have never done the same Bible study two times within the short space of a few months, but this one is unique. It was written by my friend Carol Graves. It is called "Four Steps to Peace - The Journey." At it's core it is a study on prayer; at it's heart, learning to focus on God and who He is. The end result is peace. Peace - the commodity the world longs for and which can only truly be found in Jesus Christ.

It dove-tails nicely with this Journey to Trust I've been writing about. Trust is central to a deepening relationship with the Father.  Carol writes:

"There are times when our journey to peace seems longer than it should. What we don't realize is that even though we do not see the answer to our prayer, we can still arrive at our destination if we simply trust that God is at work. ...We want solutions and answers that will make us feel comfortable.
            God does not hurry.
            He teaches us to wait.
The scriptures are clear, that when we wait on God, He will be faithful to act and He wants good things for us. Our timetable may not be the same as His, but we can trust that He will not act in haste. His answers are perfectly timed. It is in the waiting room that our faith can grow as we wait in expectation for His answer. It is there that we say to Him, 'I trust You.'"

One of the first things I wrote about was how learning to trust God, to fully surrender to His sovereignty in my life, brought peace. It's true but I find I am still in that waiting room Carol wrote about. I sometimes take my eyes off Him and have to surrender the circumstances all over again. But there is always peace. Not manufactured peace, the kind where I try really hard to think "happy thoughts," but the peace that comes from knowing God loves deeply and works wisely and always for my good.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Day 23

From the earliest days when I watched in fascination as my Sunday School teacher placed  figures on the flannel-graph board right up until this very day I've loved Bible Stories. In my little girl mind the characters that peopled those stories were larger than life. As I've gotten older most of them have come to look a bit more like me, and I read the old stories in amazed wonder that God would entrust ordinary folks with such vast treasure.

They didn't live perfect lives. In fact there were times their falls from grace were spectacular. That comforts me. What comforts me even more is reading what God has to say about them. Take Noah for example:

"It was by faith that Noah built a large boat to save his family from the flood. He obeyed God, who warned him about things that had never happened before. By faith Noah condemned the rest of the world, and he received the righteousness that comes by faith."
Hebrews 11:7

Noah's life wasn't perfect. After the rains and the flood, after the long endless days on the ark, after landing on dry ground, after the rainbow, Noah got drunk. That part isn't mentioned in Hebrews 11 where God honors those of great faith.

It isn't Noah's failure that is enshrined in that great chapter. It is his faith - his extraordinary trust in God's character.

It had never rained on the earth in Noah's day. Not one drop. But God told him to build an ark because He was going to send a great flood that would cover the whole earth. Noah believed Him.

He began to build a boat the length of one and a half football fields and as high as a four story building. On dry land. Where it had never, ever even rained. The neighbors must have had a field day with this one.

On top of that, he began to collect animals and put them in this great big boat. Noah and his sons were the laughing stock of the world - until the first raindrops began to fall. Everything God had said came true. The only ones saved from the catastrophic flood were Noah and his family. The only ones who trusted God and believed His word.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Why Trust? - Day 22

"You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. "
 Isaiah 26:3

"He will not be afraid of evil tidings; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord ...."
 Psalm 112:7

"Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You."
 Psalm  56:3

Why is it so important to the great I Am that we trust Him? Why does He write of it so often and work so diligently in our lives to bring us to the place of trust?

I think about the relationships in my life. Is trust all that important to me - to the people whose lives I touch?  The answer is, of course, yes.

How can a relationship grow strong and true if I cannot trust you or you cannot trust me? We would forever be second-guessing each other, wondering if we could believe each others' words or count on spoken promises. How could I live if the ones who are part of my heart were untrustworthy?

I've seen it lived out. When trust is broken, the relationship breaks down. And once broken, it is so difficult to repair. A little part of us will always wonder...

God cries out to us to believe He is all He has said He is, to trust that His word is true and His promises faithfully fulfilled. He wants a deep, abiding relationship with us - one based on trust in who He is. When we know Him, we will trust Him.

He isn't hungry for power. He is already all-powerful. He doesn't want to be the "Boss of us."  He already holds everything in His hands. He wants to give us all the riches of heaven in Christ Jesus. He wants us to have abundant life filled with the kind of joy that doesn't depend on our circumstances.  He wants to give us a hope for all eternity. No matter what it takes.

We are that precious to Him. He loves us that much.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Days 20 & 21

Words on "trust" from those much wiser than I:

"God's commands are designed to guide you to life's very best. You will not obey Him, if you do not believe Him and trust Him. You cannot believe Him if you do not love Him. You cannot love Him unless you know Him."
Henry Blackaby

"Either we are adrift in chaos or we are individuals, created, loved, upheld and placed purposefully, exactly where we are. Can you believe that? Can you trust God for that?"
Elisabeth Elliot 

"Worry is the antithesis of trust. You simply cannot do both. They are mutually exclusive."
Elisabeth Elliot

"Trust is faith that has become absolute, approved, and accomplished. When all is said and done, there is a sort of risk in faith and its exercise. But trust is firm belief; it is faith in full bloom. Trust is a conscious act, a fact of which we are aware."
E.M. Bounds

 "Saving faith is not just believing that Jesus lived and died. Faith that saves is the confident, continuous confession of total dependence on, and trust in Jesus Christ to meet the requirements on your behalf to give you entrance into God's Eternal Kingdom. It's the surrender of your life in complete trust to Him to do what you cannot do."
John MacArthur

 "We cannot always trace God's hand, but we can always trust God's heart."
 Charles Spurgeon

Blessings,
Linda
  

Journey to Trust - "Have Thine Own Way Lord" - Day 19

"Have Thine Own Way Lord"



Have a peace-filled weekend dear friends. Rest in the knowledge that He who loves you deeply holds you close to His heart.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Molding - Day 18

"But now, O Lord, You are our Father,
We are the clay, and You our potter;
And all of us are the work of Your hand."
Isaiah 64:8

"For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren;"
Romans 8:29

To come to the place of absolute trust - the laying down of one's life - is not a "once and for all" sort of thing. At least it has not been so for me. It is a process. A one step forward, two steps back walk - now following the winding path, now veering off on pathways of my own choosing.

It is a molding by a Potter whose ultimate goal is to make us more like Jesus. It is the work of a lifetime. It is for our good. But sometimes the pressing and shaping hurts, and we are confused and discouraged. Somehow we have gotten the idea that when we walk in obedience life will be, as the old saying goes, "just a bowl of cherries." I have fallen into that trap.

The shocking truth is, the Father is far more interested in making me all He created me to be than in my happiness. Happiness is an elusive thing. Just when we think we have it within our grasp we find it has slipped through our fingers like a vapor. What we thought would fill and satisfy, turns out to be nothing but an illusion - a poor imitation of real joy. 

When faced with death on the cross, Jesus counted it all joy. He looked ahead and saw you and me, and the pain and suffering were not worth comparing with such a precious gift. Yes - we are the gift.

So I walk toward Him and release my imagined hold on happiness and control. I give Him the gift - of myself and my absolute trust.

"looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
 Hebrews 12:2

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Prayer Changes Things - Day 17

We, sat quietly, tears making their way down our cheeks. Her stories always touched my heart, but this one was especially poignant. For we are grandmothers together now, my sister-of-the-heart and I, and we understand the depth of love.
Her mother had fought a long painful fight with cancer many years ago. In her final days she became troubled and asked to see her Pastor. Her son and his wife had walked away from faith, and she was concerned about her little two year old granddaughter.
When the Pastor arrived, he sat by her bedside and gently took her hand. Leaning in he listened carefully to the tear-filled words.

The rest of this devotional is at Laced With Grace today. The story is one of trust - in a God who hears and answers prayer. Please join me there.

Blessings,
Linda

Journety to Trust - Surrender - Day 16

"By wisdom the Lord founded the earth; by understanding He created the heavens. By His knowledge the deep fountains of the earth burst forth, and the dew settles beneath the night sky."
 Proverbs 3:19,20

Somewhere in the long days of teetering between fear and faith there began a slow process of letting go. I stood small before the creator of heaven and earth and began to catch a glimpse of who He is. And how He loves.

I read verse after verse and the vague form began to take shape. The image of hard task master and judge faded, and truth painted a picture of mercy and grace. I reached Psalm 139 and wept at the depth of His love. My hungry heart embraced the understanding that here was the Author of my life - writing my story before I took a single breath.

This was not a whimsical God - loving one minute and distant the next. His thoughts about me are more numerous than the grains of sand. He places His hand of blessing on my head and assures me that nothing can every separate us.

This mighty God; this One who holds eternity in His hands waited. The thought takes my breath away. He waited for me to choose. I look back now and wonder at such love - and patience. Then He asked, in the gentlest of voices, "Do you love Me enough to trust Me?"

I opened my hands. Opened to let go and to receive. In that moment of surrender the tears flowed. Tears of sorrow and joy all mingled together. I understood in that moment that I was letting go of everyone and everything most dear to me and placing it all in His hands.

And there was such peace.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
 Jeremiah 29:11

Joining Jennifer today too.

 

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Peace - Day 15

One day slipped into the next. Weeks passed, and I began to notice something different. The circumstances hadn't changed, not one little bit, but I was no longer bent under the weight of them. In fact, I was taken aback to realize I had actually stopped worrying.

"What is wrong with me?' I wondered right out loud. "Don't I care any more? Have I just given up?"

The answer came in the silence. "This is peace. My peace."

There it was. So simple - or rather simply a miracle. I had, like the disciples huddled in fear on a tiny boat in the midst of a life-threatening storm, found peace. Peace extended His hand and rescued me. He came softly and quietly went about the work of healing my broken heart.

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
John 14:27

There was something else though. Something more than learning to praise in the midst of suffering. Something He had been trying to teach me all my life.

It too came slowly - as the Spirit took the living Word and sliced right through the core of me. I found I could not speak about who God is without the truth of it seeping down into my soul. Long before my head nodded ascent, my heart knew.

And I began to release the tight-fisted grip I thought I had on control and open my hands to Him. To receive whatever He, in love, deemed best; to believe He is all He has said He is; to TRUST HIM.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - The Sacrifice of Praise - Day 14

Can I make a little confession here? There was a time when I didn't understand the true meaning of worship.

The first time I attended a charismatic church service I looked at the raised faces and uplifted hands and wondered. Wondered, in my own little "judgementy," critical sort of way, if the hearts of those people were so perfectly right with God they felt comfortable doing that. It was that old "works" mentality rearing its ugly head again. I somehow thought I couldn't worship unless everything was perfectly right between me and God. And heaven knew, I was far from perfect.

Slowly I came to realize worship has nothing to do with my worth and everything to do with His. I come to Him, dressed in dirty rags with nothing to offer but faith. He reaches down and wraps me in a robe of righteousness - the one purchased with the blood of His own Son. My heart bows low in worship, and I begin to praise. Not because it is something God needs to hear to somehow feed His ego (I confess, I wondered about praise too.), but because it reminds me of who He is. And in the process I am changed.

In the middle of the deep valley, I began to walk a path of praise. I said He was good, merciful, faithful and compassionate. I said He loved me with a forever love, and He always kept His promises. In the face of unanswered prayer and deep disappointment, I said He was a God of miracles - all-powerful, all-knowing, wise beyond my wildest imagination.

I said the words, but they didn't touch my heart. Day after day, I prayed from the Psalms using the spirit-filled words of others who had known suffering and praised God anyway. Day after day, I went through the motions.

Nothing changed, and then everything changed.

Blessings,
Linda

Journery to Trust - Choose to Praise - Day 13

We make a choice to praise. It is not made lightly in the face of suffering, but it is a choice that leads to blessing - in God's way; in God's time.



Blessed Be the Name 

Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I'm gonna say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Chris Tomlin

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Day 12

Psalm 41

"As the deer longs for streams of water,
    so I long for you, O God.
² I thirst for God, the living God.
    When can I go and stand before him?
³ Day and night I have only tears for food,
    while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
    “Where is this God of yours?”

⁴ My heart is breaking
    as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
    leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks
    amid the sound of a great celebration!

⁵ Why am I discouraged?
    Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
    I will praise him again—
    my Savior and ⁶ my God!

Now I am deeply discouraged,
    but I will remember you—
even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,
    from the land of Mount Mizar.
⁷ I hear the tumult of the raging seas
    as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
⁸ But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
    and through each night I sing his songs,
    praying to God who gives me life.

⁹ “O God my rock,” I cry,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I wander around in grief,
    oppressed by my enemies?”
¹⁰ Their taunts break my bones.
    They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?”

¹¹ Why am I discouraged?
    Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
    I will praise him again—
    my Savior and my God!"

Blessings,

Linda

Journey to Trust - Praise - Day 11

I look back on those weeks of cold silence in wonder - wonder at my nerve. My little self turning my back on God. I think of Job and the words the Lord spoke in the face of his angry questions:

"Where were you when I created the earth? Tell me since you know so much....
  And who took charge of the ocean when it gushed forth like a baby from the womb? That was Me! I wrapped it softly in clouds, and tucked it in safely at night...
  And have you ever ordered Morning, 'Get up!' told Dawn, 'Get to work?'...
  Do you know where Light comes from and where Darkness lives so you can take them by the hand and lead them home when they get lost...
  Can you get the attention of clouds and commission a shower of rain?....
 
For three chapters God answers Job with questions of His own. But such questions made little impression on me at the time. I saw only my own suffering, and I wanted out.

Weeks spent with cold distance between my heart and the heart of God began to take a toll. I felt so empty. The day came when I knew I had to stop living in the barren valley. I had a choice to make. I would choose faith or I would walk away. There really was no "Land of In-between."

With my back to Him I looked down the long road of years yet to come. All I could see was emptiness - a place devoid of hope and meaning, filled with despair. I turned slowly to face Him. I couldn't see the path, but I knew He was up ahead - waiting. I took one halting step forward and spoke His name.

I told Him I didn't know how to pray any more; that it seemed He had turned a deaf ear to all my cries for help. I wanted to believe in Him, but I had only the tiniest flicker of faith to see by.

He answered in His gentle way, "Praise."

Praise - in the face of such loss; in the face of such heart-wrenching sorrow?

Yes - just that - praise.

I struggled for words. Reaching for the Psalms, I walked into praise.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Despair - Day 10

We settled in to our new "normal," the years rolling rapidly into one another with increasing speed. Our nest emptied and grew all at the same time - taking on new color and form. Two daughters-in-love, a handful of grandchildren and a daughter all grown up and graduated from college off to make a life of her own.

I counted our blessings and, true to form, cast a wary eye over my shoulder waiting for the next blow. After all, everyone knows when things are going well disaster can't be far off. My skewed "doctrine" didn't allow for much peace.

As silly as they sometimes sound, there is usually a bit of truth tucked into those superstitious beliefs. They prove true often enough to convert even the most pragmatic among us. Sure enough the next blow came, and it was more devastating than I could ever have imagined.

I pause here to say there are some stories we are not free to share - for they are not ours alone. I love a good mystery, but that isn't what I'm about here. I simply cannot tell what might bring pain to someone else. Suffice it to say - it was my worst nightmare come true.

I cannot adequately describe the pain and despair. What I had prayed desperately to be delivered from had come to us - far worse than I had ever imagined. I didn't feel anger toward God. I felt a disappointment so keen it tore my heart in two. I turned my face away from Him and couldn't even pray - not for a very long time.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Day 9

"Trust Me one day at a time. This keeps you close to Me, responsive to My will. Trust is not a natural response, especially for those who have been deeply wounded....

Exert your will to trust Me in all circumstances. Don't let your need to understand distract you from My presence. I will equip you to get through this day victoriously, as you live in deep dependence on Me. Tomorrow is busy worrying about itself; don't get tangled up in its worry-webs. Trust Me one day at a time."

Sarah Young: "Jesus Calling"

Psalm 84:12 "Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in You."

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Suffering - Day 8

He bent over to pick up his tools and saw the swirling pattern fill his eye - and the long journey to trust began. For the next few years we traveled back and forth to specialists  in a desperate attempt to save his vision. The prognosis was grim from the start.

We prayed our way through surgeries and painful days of recovery only to have to go through the whole ordeal again when the procedures failed. I was on a roller coaster faith ride - filled with hope one minute, weighted down with despair the next. I had long ago lost any notion of control. I was simply crying out for a miracle.

When the miracle didn't come we searched for answers. There were some well-meaning folks who questioned our faith. After all, they reasoned, it says in scripture that if you have enough faith you can ask for anything and God will give it to you. Others, perhaps not so well-meaning, asked if we had carefully examined our lives for unconfessed sin.

Here I was again - trying desperately to be enough. Faith-filled enough. Good enough.

In my heart I  knew God didn't work that way and I tried to ignore the "helpers," but I struggled for answers. Why is this good man suffering? Why is it You don't answer my prayers Lord? What must I do?

In time we adjusted to our situation. One eye saved, the other lost to blindness. And I simply went on walking the same path - no closer to understanding the meaning of trust than I had been before. I accepted that this was God's will for us. I longed to draw closer to Him - and I did in so many ways. But the battle for control still raged in my heart. I wanted desperately to make life good - to put an end to suffering.

For days before every check-up I begged and bargained with God (I would even hope for a cancellation because no news is good news - right?). When the results were good, I rejoiced. When there were problems, I stepped up the begging and bargaining. If they got worse I went from anger to guilt to withdrawing from God and finally to confession - an agonizing cycle.

In my own way, I was still grasping for control. I felt I couldn't live a life filled with so much potential for pain. I longed for peaceful, predictable days with a calendar devoid of doctor appointments. I tried so hard.

And all my trying got me nowhere at all.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Control (Day 7)

I wash down the patio table, dust off the chairs and haul my lap top outside. It is one of "those" days - the one I've been longing for for months. Months of unrelenting heat and brassy skies that made sitting outdoors a foolish idea at best.

But this day - ah this perfect day - of gentle breezes and clear blue skies stretching from horizon to horizon - running from pastel borders to a brilliant blue center that makes the eyes ache with longing. There isn't a sound apart from the chatter of birds, the neighbor's crowing rooster (who has destroyed the mistaken notion that they only crow at the rising of the sun) and the gentle rustle of leaves in the old oaks.

If I had my way, all the days would be just like this one. We would wake up to crisp, clear mornings and sit on the front porch in the evening and watch the sky turn into an artist's pallet of glorious colors. It is a silly notion, for I have no power to control the weather - not one tiny bit. Nor the wisdom to manage it. For what of the need for rain and changing seasons and even calamities?

However, I somehow acquired the notion that life was a whole different kettle of fish. If you knew me well, it wouldn't take you long to discover I have made a valiant attempt to manage everything and everyone in my life almost single-handedly.  If worrying, manipulating, nagging and frantic praying could have done the trick, I would have accomplished my mission. Instead I made everyone around me frustrated at best and not a little resentful.

Never content to focus on today's worries, I tended to look ahead - to tomorrow, next week, even months down the road. By the time I had to face the worry head on, I was exhausted, fearful and frustrated. Frustrated because all my efforts hadn't changed one single thing.

I had, and have, much to learn about trust. Trying to be good enough so that God would bless my life with happiness and good things didn't work. I was hardly ever good enough, and even when I was bad things still happened. Nor could I control the bad things - couldn't prevent them from coming no matter how hard I tried. And they came - oh how they came - threatening to destroy faith altogether.

Something was terribly wrong with my whole way of thinking. I believe, looking back, I knew what it was. I just couldn't seem to change the habits of a life-time. Somehow I had skewed the reality of who God is and the way He works in our lives - reduced Him in a misguided attempt to make Him manageable.

I needed to get reacquainted. I didn't know that, but He did.

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Day 6

"Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul."
Psalm 143:8

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust - Day 5

"It is a glorious thing to know that your Father God makes no mistakes in directing or permitting that which crosses the path of your life. It is the glory of God to conceal a matter. It is our glory to trust Him, no matter what."
Joni Eareckson Tada - "Joni and Friends"

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust/ Five Minute Friday (Day 4)

I've been doing a bit of reading - my own words, Emily's book, and Lisa-Jo's Five Minute Friday. Each has significance for me. They speak of art and story and words.

Lisa-Jo's word for today is "Write."

start:

I write in different seasons and times - yet the words keep circling back on themselves. There is a repetition, a recurring theme - and I wonder that others don't get tired of it.

It isn't intentional. It comes from somewhere deep inside and works its way to the surface over and over again. It is this matter of trust.

I wonder why and realize it is, in part, my story. We write our story in so many ways. It spills out of the depths of who we are as we walk through the minutes and hours of our days. It forms us and touches the lives most precious to us - and the ones we hardly know.

The Father is crafting trust onto the pages of my story. It is life-changing and so it weaves its way in and through my words over and over again. It has meaning and purpose.  It begins to shape the very soul of me.
It has not come easily. There has been a dying to other things so that this one true thing might live in a heart that is desperate for Him.

And so I write of trust.

stop

 

Blessings,
Linda

Journey to Trust: Day 3

Trust - "firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something"

If anyone had asked me if I trusted God, I would have answered "Yes," with absolute conviction. I loved Him and the desire of my heart was to know Him more.I believed that I trusted Him. However, I didn't live as though I did.

When confronted with life's inevitable disasters, I turned confused eyes heaven-ward and asked, "Why? I've tried my best to do everything right. Don't I deserve to be happy Lord?" Somehow, according to my own system of checks and balances, I thought I had earned a little joy. The down-side of my little system was that every time I failed I waited for the the "righteous hammer" to fall.

I read those words and feel a sadness for the girl who wanted so much to please the God who already loved her unconditionally. The girl who struggled mightily to control everything and everyone around her - to keep life manageable and free from pain.

She had yet to learn to open her hands to the One she loved - to receive from His hands both joy and sorrow with the absolute assurance that all would be well.

Blessings,
Linda

Day 2 Journey to Trust

I grew up on Sunday School, sword drills, pot luck suppers, Christian Girls in Training and hymn sings. The old songs are permanently etched on my heart - the words a treasure trove of wisdom. I have memories of riding in the backseat on the way home from my Grandparents' small apartment singing a duet with my Dad - all our favorite hymns one after another - my little voice mingling with his baritone.

One of my favorites was "Trust and Obey"

"When we walk with the Lord
  in the light of his word,
 what a glory He sheds on our way.
 While we do His good will,
 He abides with us still,
 and with all who will trust and obey.

 Trust and obey, for there's no other way
 to be happy in Jesus
 but to trust and obey."
 lyrics: John S. Tammis

I also grew up wanting, more than anything else, to be a good girl. I longed for approval - most especially God's. So I readily embraced the "obey" part.  I tried my best to be everything I thought I should be - carefully concealing the bad girl who occasionally reared her ugly head. Whenever she showed up I felt trapped - too ashamed to pray, too terrified not to confess. Desperately wanting to keep the slate clean, I worked very hard at keeping things under control.

Somehow I thought if I could manage it all, then God would be happy with me and life would be sweet. I carried this "doctrine" well into my adult life. (In truth, I struggle with it still. ) Trust became something I gave lip service to but in reality it had no part in my life. The Lord brought this to my attention in a very dramatic way a dozen or so years ago.

We'll talk more tomorrow.

Blessings,
Linda